One Of those Days

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.  Proverbs 11:12

 Today, I pray especially for those who are struggling with pride in their life.  Father, it is so hard to admit that we are filled with pride, that we do not know how to do everything, nor do we have all the answers.  Soften our hearts so that we will seek godly advice from our family and friends.  Quicken us to spend time in Your Word and prayer so that we will learn humility from modeling our lives after Yours and not the hard way. In Jesus Name Amen. 

Do you ever have one of those days when nothing is going right and you just want to sit down and have a good cry?  As a young mother I often did.

Our new son was just about perfect in every way.  Except one area.  When he cried.  Being a new mom and not knowing a lot about babies, I did  noticed that there were different cries, at first I thought when he cried he was just letting me know he was hungry.  But that was not always the reason.  Next I figured that he wanted me to hold him.  Not always the answer.  Neither was changing his diaper, making sure the diaper pins were closed.  Nor did he respond to my attempt to make him  burp. I figured those cries out pretty easily.  But, there was that one cry that left me baffled and frustrated.

So I would sit holding our precious son,  him drawing his little legs up and screaming,  me rocking  him telling him I was sorry that I didn’t know what was wrong, with tears streaming down my cheeks.   I ask God over and  over what am I doing wrong?  Still he cried. Again, I would try to feed him, made matters worse, checked his diaper pins and diapers over and over, still he cried. Finally, in desperation, I would take him into his bed room and put him in his crib. How inadequate I felt as he cried himself to sleep. Each time, I cried for what seemed like hours.  I was the worst mother ever!!  I  should know what is wrong.  How I hated not knowing why he was crying. Why are there days when this happens, what is different?

I was so grateful when our Dr. appointment rolled around.  Davey had a wonderful first checkup, actually gaining weight.  I finally got up the courage to ask about the crying. Since I was nursing, he discussed my diet, told me what foods could be causing him to cry so much and how to eliminate them one at a time to see which one was causing the problem. Very embarrassed, I went home to make the necessary changes. As it turned out it only took a couple of weeks to find the offending foods.  Eliminating them wasn’t to hard.  I was so relieved to finally know what the cause was.  Over and over as each day passed without that crying session I thanked God for the new knowledge I had, and I told Davey how sorry mommy was for eating those bad foods  that caused him so much pain. I also came to realize that because of  my pride he suffered needlessly.  I was so embarrassed, so sorry, but  I learned the hard way to ask for advice from those who understand what I am going through.

Pride comes into our lives in many ways.  Over the years I have confessed, and repented from many prideful areas that I had allowed to take root in my heart, but none of them have impacted my life as much as my stubborn pride did when Davey was an infant.   My failure … my pride caused someone else pain. Do you struggle with admitting that you need help?  Are you embarrassed to let others know that you are having a problem?  Whether it is raising your child, cooking your spouses favorite meal, or understanding why a person is crying. No one knows how to do everything and most people are honored to be asked for assistance.  I know that I am always happy to teach others what I do know, and I still go to others when I need help.

Blessings

Our First Child

Fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

 Today, I pray especially for those who are expecting….…. Father, may each of them know that children are a gift from You. Help them to understand that every child has been lovingly placed in their mother’s womb by You, no matter what the circumstances may be. Allow them to believe that You have a plan for each of them. Help them to love their child as You love them. Help them not to be afraid  while they are expecting. Soften their hearts so they will  find joy in the movements of their child as they  grow and develop in their mother’s womb. Grant each mom the confidence and knowledge they need to become loving mothers. Help them to fully rely on and trust You to be with them and their baby during this time of their lives.  In Jesus  Name I pray Amen

Attitude adjustment….. I found myself loving our little house. My heart overflowed with happiness—I felt like I was walking  on air.  “We’re going to have a baby.”  Our little house seemed so perfect. I loved making the curtains for the tiny bedroom that soon would become our nursery.  The days/weeks flew by. My treadle sewing machine got a real work out as I made our first child’s layette. Tiny soft yellow and pale green blankets, little undershirts, gowns, booties, bibs, pajamas, bath towels, you name it. I made it. I was especially proud of the little matching robe, gown, booties, receiving blanket that I made for our child to come home from the hospital in. I had it packed for weeks along with my stuff in the small suitcase ready to go at a moments notice.

I had been doing OK with my mom going out-of-state with dad for his work until one of Butch’s co-workers told me that her last one popped out when she was calling the doctor to let him know she was on her way in.  Those words scared me to death.  I was only 19 –  never been around anyone having a baby so when I had a few pains that were 5 minutes apart I insisted that we go to the hospital.  Of course, it was a false alarm. The nurse told me it was just my body getting ready for the big event and that I would know by the strength of the contractions that it was time to come back. I began to pray more and more for God to let me know WHEN so I would not have another false trip. How I wished mom was home so I could talk to her about it.

Life went on as usual except for those contractions coming more often and closer together. Butch was bowling when they started to get  closer and closer, each one harder and  longer than the one before. I was waiting suitcase sitting beside me when he got home. Butch called his mom from the hospital as soon as he was sure I was in labor.  We had arrived at the hospital at 12:02 A.M.  Our son was born at 2 A.M.  We held our new son, gave him his name and excitedly waited for his parents to come. I fell asleep while Butchie waited. They brought David in so I could feed him. I could see Butchie was worried his mom still wasn’t there. Finally he decided to leave – he was really tired. They met at the door as he was leaving. She arrived at 5 A.M.  As she held her newest grandson telling him over and over how sorry she was, I realized how much it meant to her to have this moment in time

Sometimes life goes differently than we think that it will. David’s birth taught me that our loved ones need to be included in what is happening;  each in their own way.

That evening proud daddy arrived with the cutest little boy outfit with matching booties. Butchie was so happy when he showed me the outfit I couldn’t remind him of the one I made to bring him home in. He also told me since his sister had been in labor for fourteen hours his mom thought she had lots of time so she washed and dried her hair before coming in… When Ethel came in, I learned that he had told everyone at work how scared I was that the baby would just fall out her’s did. She apologized saying it was my 12th child. My muscles were weak.  We all had a good laugh.

Three days later we are finally going home,  as I dressed David, I adjusted my plans; putting on his undershirt I made, his new outfit from daddy and wrapping him in his blanket from Grandma.

Lots of fond memories and lessons were learned during one of the most precious moments of our lives.  How about you?  Are you willing to allow others to share in your happiness, or does it have to be your way to keep you from being angry and hurt?

Blessings

Our First Home

By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.  Proverbs 24:3-4

Father,  today I pray especially for those that are getting married and will be establishing their first home together…. Help them to put you first in their lives.  Show them Your good and perfect path so that they may establish a good relationship with You their Creator and Savior as well as with each other. Quicken their hearts to talk about the good as well as the bad with each other. Give them ears that listen and minds that pay attention so they will gain understanding.  May they speak positively about their spouses and build them up not tear them down. May they be gentle and kind seeking what is best for their marriage. In Jesus Name I pray Amen.

The excitement of our first home! A huge sprawling apartment over Kegebein Appliance Store, right downtown Rolling Prairie. It was wonderful. Two bedrooms, living room, bath, kitchen complete with a refrigerator, stove.  Screened in porch overlooked the street but best of all was the washer and dryer in the small area in the back stairwell. All of this for thirty-five dollars a month. Our parents gave us the few pieces of furniture that we had. The apartment was easy to clean. On the week ends our friends came over and we played cards and served Kool-aide and popcorn. To us it was heaven. Time flew by.  I loved being home and learning to become a good homemaker.

Our savings for our first car was not growing as fast as we had hoped even with Butchie working a lot of overtime.  I began to take in ironing.  I had three ladies that I ironed for weekly and one every other week. One of our fondest memories during this time, was when his dad came over one day with four big grocery bags full of meat from Kingsbury Locker Plant.  Said he bought more than his freezer would hold. Didn’t want it to go to waste so he might just as well give it to us.  Thrilled,  I got busy wrapping proportioned packages in aluminum foil. I  was showing Butch the full freezer when he asked what was in each package.  It was only then did I realize that I had not marked what was in them.  Now, they honestly all looked the same. He grew tired of pork chops (which used to be his favorite) since we often had the same meat several days in a row. With the extra money from his overtime, my ironing and what we saved from not having to buy meat for quiet a while  we were able to buy our car sooner than we thought. We were so blessed, all of our needs were being met in so many ways. It seemed as if God was granting my every prayer.

As the months passed, I was getting nervous,  things were beginning to change…Whenever we both went out I had a feeling someone had been in the apartment. One day, not feeling well I stayed in bed reading when I  heard some one  walking around in the kitchen. I called out but no one answered. I hurried to the kitchen – I thought I could hear footsteps going down the back stairs even though the door was locked. I wanted to move. Butch thought I being silly.

We began to  argue about the sounds I thought I heard. When ever he questioned me about it I would become livid. How quickly my old anger  raised it’s ugly head and I was once again struggling with my quick temper. I found myself being short-tempered, always listening for footsteps when Butch was at work. I wanted to move.  No matter how close it was to work, how large it was for the money. I wanted to move.  Butch  put a screen door hook on the inside of the back door to give me more peace of mind. Didn’t matter, I still want to move. Wasn’t he listening? I want to move!

Our landlady was ill for several months –  those months passed uneventfully.  Then one day when she sees Butch and tells him to remove the screen hook on the kitchen door. Now, he was angry. How could she know about that unless she was in the apartment while we were away?  We moved two weeks later into a really small old farm-house out in the country – no close neighbors. Butch was working a lot of hours, I’m pregnant, feeling alone with my hurt feelings, scared.

I prayed a lot asking to forgive the old landlady and Butch for not believing me.  I honestly was only saying the words because I knew that I should.  I felt she was the reason I was out in the middle of nowhere. I was still very angry, hurt  and poor Butch had to put up with my temper. Most of the time he ignored me and refused to argue. He would just smile and walk away, which of course made me angrier. One day he turned angrily saying I can’t change the past. You wanted to move. We moved. I don’t want to hear anymore about it. Make the best of it.  I cried and cried. I pouted for a few days more; in my heart I knew he was right. But still!  It was so hard.

We did not seek God’s guidance.  We were young and did not go to the landlord with what we thought his wife was doing.  Instead we ran from the situation. We left a really nice apartment in a fit of anger. Winding up in a tiny house that neither of us liked. We learned the hard way what happens when you rush into decisions. Neither of us liked having to accept some of the blame, say I’m sorry.  Yet, we knew if we didn’t our marriage could easily be in trouble.  The blame was fully ours –  not the landlady’s…. it took a while for us to put the past behind us, to forgive each other, ourselves and put to God back into our choices.  It wasn’t easy.  We learned that marriage is work…. it is not all fun and games….. but a giving of ourselves to make the other person happy.  It’s seeking God’s best, not giving in to our quick impulsive choices.  Our 51 year marriage is still a work in progress.

Blessings

My Hearts Desire

 Delight yourself also in the LORD: and he shall give you the desires of your heart.  Psalm 37:4

Father,  today I pray especially for those that are seeking to know Your will for their lives. Help them to listen carefully to their hearts and not to trust the advice of others over what they know to be Your leading. Grant them the peace that comes from knowing You, really knowing You. Enable them to see You working in their lives as they seek to draw closer to You. Help them to remember that You are always with them. Help them really believe that You are interested in every area of their lives. Ready to strengthen, protect and guide wherever they go, whatever they face, may they remember that You are with them. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen

On my break I was asked to stay over and work because a tour bus was stopping for dinner. I was so scared. I had heard everyone talk about how it is when a bus comes, but I had never been scheduled when one came. I called mom and told her about the chance for overtime and that I would call when I got off, so she could come and get me. I was scared, concerned that it might be too much for me to handle. I told mom about Mrs Baker asking me if I wanted to work in the dining room where the tips were better or man the two bay areas. I felt that I should remain in the bay area, even though I had never done both of them. But, scarier was the fact that I had never worked in the dining room. She assured me that I would do fine and reminded me to ask God to help me do a double load of customers all at once.

I had no idea what it was going to be like but I could actually feel the excitement in the air. Everyone was hustling around and very excited. I was shown how to get the extra stock into the area and not have it in the way. As I was busy overstocking my areas with the extra silverware and coffee cups Bob the porter had just brought me; out of the blue he said “what do you think of Butch?” I must have looked awfully surprised, he laughed as I shrugged – “he likes you, wants to take you home tonight after the bus leaves.” “Then I guess that he should ask me himself” and continued working. Wow, where did that come from? He has never even said anything to me. I saw him watching me sometimes. He always smiled when I turned in my orders or picked them up. I was suddenly to busy to think of anything but taking care of my customers.

Mom was right. I did get through it. I was tired and happy with the extra tips. I had gotten my coat and was getting ready to call mom when Butch came up beside me and asked if he could take me home. He was so cute and he was blushing. As I said OK I realized how hot my face felt. My heart was pounding as we walked to his car. We hardly spoke on the ride home – but he did ask me to go to a basketball game with him the next evening. Surprising myself, I said yes I would love to. A basketball game certainly wasn’t my idea of a date; especially since I was no longer in school.

 Later, I wondered why I was so quiet. Very unusual for me. I’m a chatter box. But for some reason that night I didn’t feel that it was necessary. We saw a lot of each other during the following months, mostly going to basketball games. Our schools were rivals.  He had played all the way through high school and enjoyed watching his old teammates play. He still knew a lot of the players on the other teams. It really didn’t matter what we were doing; I was so happy just being with him. He was quiet and shy. I was outgoing and talkative. He had a way of making me feel special, even when he was not letting me have my way. If I tried pouting, he would laugh and pull me close, saying now is not good time, maybe later. Time seemed to be flying by. I was content. In March we had a small family wedding.

All of our friends thought we were crazy – we had only known each other for six months. We were very young.  No money.  His friends even placed bets on how long the marriage would last – giving it one year at the most. We were so opposite. We laughed as he told me how Bob and Warren had told him that I wanted him to give me a ride home that day. We both had been led to believe the other was the interested party.

The scripture says that His way is not our way and His thoughts are not our thoughts. Our decisions often make no sense to anyone but us. Many times it appears to others that we rush into them – that’s what they thought about Butch and I. Yet, so many of our dreams and plans were alike.  As I look back to this part of my life I am amazed at how I still remember the peace, the joy that I had on that ride home. The calm, yet utter amazement as we dated of how I knew this was who I would spend the rest of my life with. 51 years later I am still calmed by the touch of his hand and gentle smile even in the roughest of times. God had put all the pieces into place so that He could grant me the desire of my heart.  The path to meeting my future husband wasn’t easy but I would not change a bit of it.  I never imagined when I broke off my engagement, or felt led to quit a part-time job to work  at the Glass House Restaurant, or even when I realized that I needed an attitude adjustment, that God would use all of that and a tour bus, a  porter and the other cook to bring Butch and I together.  I certainly would not have gone that route on my own. 

 Blessings

Growing In Christ

 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

 Father,  today I pray especially for those that are seeking to change their lives…. Help each of them love You more and more. Enable them to look into their hearts and confess the times that they have failed. Teach them to give it all to You.  Help them to leave their mistakes at Your feet so they may desire to live lives that are reflecting Your goodness and grace.  May their lives tell the story of Christ’s love and mercy to the world around them as they become bold witnesses of You. In Jesus Name I pray. Amen.

As I continue to look at my past I am sadden by the choices I made when I was younger. I try not to spend too much time dwelling on what could have been “IF ONLY”. In my teen years I often reasoned “aren’t people supposed to accept me as I am. After all, no one is perfect. Right?” Believe me, that thinking got me into a lot of trouble. As I reflect on the months following graduation and the breaking off of my engagement I really did not think of the hurt that I caused my finance. I was really only thinking about me – what was best for me. As usual.

I was still examining my life mostly reflecting upon what kind of person do I see myself as. Honestly, not caring much about what others thought. I did not  follow the trends of the time. I never would. I understood I was seeking to find inner peace. Way past the social issue of how others see me, the surface things I could change to fit into the image of a young 1960’s woman. I was no longer interested in the accepted social band-aid. Without a doubt this would result in a temporary fix. My chronic problem of using others for self-satisfaction would resurface and each time fester and grow when it did.  Not wanting to be that kind of person, I longed to follow the Golden Rule Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Somehow, I knew if I could begin to apply this to everyone, I could become the person God designed me to be and internally happy and at peace with myself and others.

I was enjoying my new job, the freedom that came with being able to date again. I wasn’t writing in my journal as I normally did. Honestly thinking that if God really cared about me, it wasn’t necessary to write my every thought. After all, I am a good person – I read the Bible and pray, so I happily went about my days as if He approved of my every thought and action. Not really giving too much thought to what my future holds for me. For a period of time, I was caught up in the moment of time…being young… having no real responsibilities… enjoying new friends and work..Suddenly or so it seemed, I was back to old habits and talking back to my parents. I was once again miserable inside. I did not like me. I knew that I was in a real battle – this was about more than just being good.

I began to journal again. This time looking to see the many varied ways that I was or had used to get my way. Writing them down one by one helped me to see how hard and manipulative I had allowed my heart to become. I began with seeking forgiveness as they were revealed. It was hard to ask my parents to forgive me again. Even harder to ask my new friends for forgiveness. It seemed that it was an everyday occurrence. When I did, most of them seemed not to be even aware of what I knew I had done. The prayer King David prayed “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me”really touched my heart and I begged God to make it real in my heart/life.

He showed me my inner attitude was a real hindrance. Thinking back, I was always good at appearing to be happy even when I was scared to death. I often made myself smile more,  believing that a smile would help me to improve how I feel/think but also in some way help others. I began to actually listen more carefully to what others were saying.  Little by little I began to see things differently as I listened to others I saw how much they were struggling in their lives also. Becoming more sincere, trustworthy I began to pray for them not knowing that this would begin an intercessory prayer journey…. a path that I have followed for 53 years. Growing in Christ, spiritually and emotionally maturing from the inside out I knew that my desire for a home of my own and children would come when God knew I was ready for it.

There comes a time in each of our lives when we have to face the real “ourselves”.  Everyone has the potential to grow and change.  It is painful, difficult, yet so rewarding when we do decide to let go of our stubborn pride and selfish desires and allow God to show us His good and perfect plan –  It takes time so don’t grow discouraged when you slip back into old habits – we all do. As soon as you realize you are drifting back remember you are on a journey of one step at a time. Put aside your pride and wait upon the Lord. Learn to listen and go slowly down the path you are shown. You will be amazed at the wonderful harmony your life will achieve as you change at your pace into the woman of God He has called you to be.

Blessings

Senior At Last

Proverbs 1:6   In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.

Father,  today I pray especially for teenagers struggling with difficult choices. Remove any pride that is in their heart causing them to do things their way and not Yours. Give them understanding of Your never-changing Word, open their eyes so they may see that some of the things they have read before is now being clarified to meet them at their point of need.  Teach them Father, that no matter what circumstances they may find themselves in – You are in control..  even when it looks like the things of the world are winning. You have given us the solid Rock of Christ Jesus to build our faith upon. You Lord, have promised in Your Word if we acknowledge You in all our ways that You will direct our path. Quicken their hearts to hunger and thirst for the things that are pleasing to You… to spend time reading, meditating on the Word of God and time in prayer. I praise You for the victories that are going to be given to those who believe upon Jesus Name, to the glory and honor of God the Father.   In Jesus Name I pray Amen

As I find myself reflecting more and more on my walk with Christ through the years….I cannot help but wonder why He would choose one such as I to share my faith walk. The ups and downs of my choices, my open rebellion to authority. I was often a spoiled brat, that did not care who I hurt or used to get my way. I ran from God, my parents, myself. I was insecure, not really sure of who I was and that seemed to overflow into all my decisions. 

This is an exceedingly hard time for me to write about. I am finally a senior in high school. I was not sure of what I want to do after school is over. I had always thought that I would just get married and raise a family, but my teacher and guidance counselor said that was for later, after I had a career.  She told me to choose a career and write about why I thought that would be a good choice for me.  So I begin to think of what I could do for a career. I thought for a while that I would like to be a beautician like my cousin Odeline, but after doing my friends hair several times I came to realize, that I did not want to spend my life  doing that. Then I thought about nursing, but working part-time after school in a nursing home soon showed me that even though I loved the older people, enjoyed spending time with them and helping them, I did not care for the way they were often treated by the nurses and doctors.  Now that I am older I understand why they had to be tied to a chair or restrained in bed, forced to take medications, but at that time it seemed cruel and harsh. I did not want to be a part of doing that. So I was really up in the air about what to do…… finally after thinking  I just want to get married and have a family; out of spite I wrote that I wanted to be a plumber. Their pay was good. There were not a lot of women in that field. I researched it well and wrote what I felt was a good paper. Needless to say, it did not go over well with my teacher. I got a D- and when my parents read her explanation they grounded me.  Everyone knew that I was mocking the assignment, refusing to take it seriously and do what I was supposed to do.  

Then out the blue – my on again, off again, on again boyfriend asked me to marry him.  He was going into the Navy after graduation and wanted  to be sure that I would be waiting for him.  I quickly said yes,  now I know what I am going to do after graduation…..all those years of dreaming of being married and having a home of my own was going to become a reality. Who cares about that silly assignment! 

I went home excited, proudly wearing my new ring. I had the world by the tail. No more thinking about a career. I will at last be a homemaker. My parents were not excited when they heard the news. They were angry. They reminded me how many times we had broken up. ..every year all the way through high school…. In their eyes, I would date him until someone else came along then when I grew tired of the new person, I would call my old flame up and we would start dating again.  They said I didn’t even know what real love was and there was no way that I should marry him. We argued a lot— but I did not give the ring back.  As a matter of fact; I saw more of him than ever before. I was sure that I would be a good wife. They pointed out the differences  in our religion. My  minister would not marry us – something about being unequally yoked and unless I agreed to change to his faith we could not get married in his church either.  We were going to run away and get married but I wanted a church wedding.  So I pouted, plotted, argued, pleaded, but they would not budge….. neither would I.  No matter how much I ranted and raved, my parents  stood firm.  They would not give their blessings until I grew up.  Finally graduation was over and he left for basic training in the Navy. 

I was so lonely. I didn’t fit into the summer activities that my friends were doing because they were busy making college plans, working summer jobs  and going on dates in the evenings. I cried a lot. I wanted to enjoy my last summer as a teenager. I wanted to have fun and it sure wasn’t much fun staying home every night writing letters to someone miles away that seldom wrote back. I must admit that I resented his freedom, going through basic had to be better than staying at home and listening to my parent tell me I was immature and selfish. I was angry at him for leaving, my parents for not understanding and supporting my decision to get married, my friends for not having time to do things with me that did not include their boyfriends. The consequences of my choice to become engaged to someone my parents did not approve of was in reality controlling of my life. To me at that time it was not an option to listen to them. I was reacting to hearing some one say I love you. My thinking was how great he made me feel when he said I was  beautiful.  He loved my smile. He needed me. I never gave thought to the fact that I really did not miss him as I should have.  I was too busy whining about not getting my way, being angry at my friends who were dating and having fun while I sat at home.

One day near the end of summer I got a long letter telling me about his week-end leave.  He described all the great places that he and his buddies went to and I was furious.  He was having fun and I was sitting home every day!  I was so mad at him. My letter to him was spiteful and cruel to say the least. I  broke up with him in that letter and told him that when he came home on leave after basic he could  pick up his ring. That evening after mailing the letter, I told my parents….. NOW I hope you are happy. You have gotten your way. I am not getting married. They never asked why, only did I pray about it first. I stomped out the room, yelling that is none of your business!!

That questions really shook me  up. Why after all these months of saying that I should not get married did they want to know that? I thought about that a lot. Honestly, I had not been praying about any of it. Not even whether or not I loved him enough to say yes. I had ignored my relationship with God and went through all those months doing it my way. Not really caring what anyone thought or wanted. I was selfish, uncaring about others, it was all about me and what I wanted. I seldom went to church. I was so angry because  the wedding could not be at our church. I was angry at God for allowing all this to happen… I just wanted my childhood dream of marriage to come true.  Everyone, even God was against me. Or so it seemed……

After I had given the ring back I was amazed to find that my parents were right. I did not love him as he deserved to be loved.  I was in love with the idea of being married, loved and needed by someone. I thought I could change him from his religion to mine…    My parents were right also about me using him so I would have a steady date… I gave no thought to how I might hurt him in the process. It was all about me and what I wanted. It is to my shame that I hurt him the way I did.

So from my heart to yours….I was a real jerk and it has not been easy to bare my soul for all to see.  But, I am trying to be obedient to the call that God has placed on my life at this time. I know that there are others that are confused and trying to do things their way. Most of  us know we never go through anything that someone else has not already gone through, yet we tend to believe that our circumstances are special. Different. The sad thing is……if I had not turned from God and did it my way, so much of the drama of  those months  could have been avoided.  I made the choice not to go to church, not to read the Bible, not to pray, not to seek guidance for one of the  most important decision I would make in my life….my selfish decision affected not only my life….. but the life of the young man. 

I never talked to God about it until after the fact.  The more I thought of my parents question…did you pray about it first….my behavior….. the more I realized how far from God I had drifted. I was glad to be finished with the school part of my life. I did not want to go to college. Yet, I had to make a decision about what I was going to do with the rest of my life. Because of the circumstances of those months during my senior year I had no other career goal.

I began to journal again. This time though it was different. I asked myself questions about what do I want to do for the rest of my life ….what are my choices if I do this? What will I gain by doing it? What could go wrong?  Am I willing to accept the consequences of another bad decision? Am I turning away from my faith if  I do this? Do I want to do this because it is an easy thing to do? I learned the hard way that decisions made in haste are often regretted.  The consequences of that decision has led to a life long regret of how cruel I was.    

All of this questioning did caused me to think about looking for a different job.  I was only working 15 hours a week at the nursing home. Not fully understanding the why I felt that I should apply at the Toll Road restaurant, I applied and was hired immediately. The hours were steady and the pay better than what I was making. I started working in the bay area at the Glasshouse Restaurant on week ends and in the evenings.  They were great about giving me hours  after mom got home from work so I would have transportation since I did not have a car of my own. Even though I really had no desire to be a waitress, I really enjoyed the work and the people I worked with. It was fun talking to the travelers. I was once again at peace and happy. I was sure that I was doing what God wanted me to do even if I did not understand why He thought this was the job for me. 

God often takes us out of our comfort zone so we can grow into the person that he designed us to be. He never leaves us or forsakes us. It is we that choose to leave Him out of our decisions. No matter where you are in your journey with God he is patiently waiting for you to seek Him more and more. He really does want to be involved in every detail of  your life. Have you chosen to do this or are you still doing it your way?

 Blessings

Nature’s Song

 As I looked about

While I drove along today

I could not help but think

Of the beauty God had made.

I can not completely comprehend

That it all began

With “God said” and it was so.

And yet, how else could it be

For the majesty of the trees,

The tall grasses, swaying in the breeze

Tell of His power and convey to me

God is in control

Of nature and my soul. 

How can anyone question how the world began

When we surrounded by the results of His Words

And the work of His Hands

Man the crowning glory of all He created

Yet, we play havoc

With the world He spoke into being.

Cans and paper litter everywhere

Detract from the world He made with such care.

Arguments and strife fill the air

Drowning out Nature’s Song

Which He gave to ease our cares.

So as we go out-of-doors each day

Let’s reflect upon this world God has made

And do our part to see God’s beauty with our heart,

Listening to hear Nature’s sweet melody

That keeps our heart singing.

God is in control, God is in control

Of Nature and my very soul. 

  Written by Barb Arndt   June 10, 1994